| Ok
folks it's down to you to send us your jokes
please keep them reasonably clean this
is not the chubby brown page! after all we don't want to offend anyone..
oh go on then, mild offence in a slightly english direction (we are
Welsh after all) and if you know a joke with a welsh theme all the better..
the jokes will appear in the order they arrive - so if
yours is the last joke received it appears first
Call
that a challenge!?..
Ianto
was having a pint at his local when a very loud mouthed englishman by
the name of Henry walked in. Ianto couldnt help overhear Henry trying
to bet a couple of young lads that they couldnt drink 20 pints in 20
minutes. After a lot of cajoling, Henry was unsuccessful in his plight
to make a few quid. He looked around at Ianto and said 'well what about
you then?, Are you game?' Ianto downed his pint and left the pub.
Half
an hour later Ianto walks back in to his local and says to Henry 'I'll
take that bet.' Sure enough Henry smiled at the easy money he would
make as Ianto began to drink the pints. Henry's smile soon turned upside
down when Ianto polished off the 20 pints in 19 minutes. Handing over
the cash, Henry said 'when you left the here earlier, where did you
go?' Ianto looked at him and replied 'I had to go to the pub down the
road to see if I could do it first.'
let's
gloat!!
ENGLISH RUGBY...
The
english rugby practice was disrupted today when an unknown white substance
was found on the practice pitch by some players,
head coach andy robinson immediately suspended practice and called the
police,
after a complete analysis by forencsic expertsthe unknown sustance was
found to be
the try line.
Practice was resumed when the rfu decided the players were unlikely
to encounter
the substance again!
--- -
---
Andy robinson takes the england team for a training session, first up
he tells the players
to take up their normal positions,
so they all go behind the posts to wait for the conversion!!
--- -
---
the rfu set up a helpline for disappointed fans after a disasterous
season
the number is 0800 10 10 10
thats 0800 won nothing,won nothing,won nothing!
--- -
---
There are two man made things can be seen from space,
the great wall of china and the hole in the english defence
--- -
---
whats the difference between english team and an arsonist???
an arsonist would not waste 17 matches
--- -
---
many thanks to Tom - Ipswich
for rubbing salt in the wounds of the world champions
and six nations 'also rans'!!
2
WISHES
Three
rugby fans from England, France and Wales,
were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of
a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere
possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so
for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the
booze, they were sentenced to death!
However,
after many months and with the help of very good
lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence
down to life imprisonment.
By
a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day
their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they
could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As
they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik
suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she
has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The
France fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so
he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a
pillow to
my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes
before the whip went through. The France fan had to be carried
away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The
England fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth
by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right!
Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could
only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again,
sending the England fan out crying like a little girl.
The
Wales fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but
before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and
said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your
supporters are some of the best and most loyal rugby fans
in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Diolch,
your most Royal Highness," the Wales fan replies.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you
give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not
only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you
are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on
his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie
the England fan to my back."
Many
Thaanks to: Bert "Pontydragon" James, Scranton, PA, USA
--- -
---
AND
YOU ARE?
A
man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his
seat
as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo!
she took the seat right beside him.
Eager
to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going
to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk
some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth
is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men
of Greek descent. We Have also found that the best potential lovers
in all categories are the Welsh."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't
even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but
my friends call me TAFF."
Nice
one Dave - sorry 'TAFF'
---
- ---
ARE
YOU WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE?
Einstein
dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter tells him,
"you look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths people
go to in order to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really
are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "could I have
a blackboard and a piece of chalk?"
St Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and
symbols his Theory of Relativity.
St Peter is suitably impressed. "you really are Einstein!"
he says. "Welcome to Heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, St Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks,"mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
St Peter says "Go ahead>"
Picasso erases Einsteins equations and sketches a truly stunning
mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
St peter claps ,"surely you are the great artist you claim
to be!"he says."Come on in!"
Then St Peter looks up and sees George W.Bush.St Peter scratches
his head and says, Einstein and Picasso have both managed to prove
their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says,"who are Einstein and Picasso?"
St peter sighs and says, "come on in, George."
cheers
Brian
---
- ---
an
Irishman an Englishman and a Welshman
There
was an Irishman, an Englishman and a Welshman, all pretty decent chaps
who were sent to a top executive country hotel. It was a gathering
of the worlds finest minds, on quantum-electro - technical innovations,
body electric circuitry implantation-device specialists and the like.
They were there, paid for by their respective employers, as they too,
were very much, technicians, still very much in the learning all about
this new technology. The welshman was only just two weeks into his
post!
Anyway,
within minutes of arriving at the hotel they were greeted with the
news that they all had to take a steam sauna together, as a 'get to
know bonding session'; this conference was about body implants, so
the administrators could not afford anybody the opportunity of being
too shy, it would waste too much time. Slightly horrified, the irishman
quickly ran about getting a few gagets sorted out and run to the sauna,
the englisman just a litle more calm went to the bar, got a drink,
then ran around sorting a few gagets out, then went to the sauna.
The welshman on the other hand being most disturbed as he was only
in the job two weeks, made for the toilet for a quick pee, tried to
make himself sick as he was feeling most unwell, then went to he sauna
unprepared.
Sure
enough the sauna was a sauna and all three strangers were stripped
to the bone, getting very hot, very embarrassed and wishing they were
somewhere else. Suddenly there was a noise like a chirping sound coming
from the irishmmans wrist. "What's that? said the welshman. "Oh
that's just my office letting me know that my works dossiers are being
sent through", the irishman replied. Very impressed the welshman
settled down. A few minutes passed and there was a buzzing sound coming
from behind the englishman's ear. "What's that? said the welshman.
"Oh, that's just my secretary sending through my voice mail,
I can hear everything in my head right now", the englshman replied.
A few more minutes passed, and another noise from the irishman, a
buzz in his leg......his wife letting him know she is home safe........
then the englishman......... a clicking noise coming from his knee.......his
daughter has arrived in Vegas. Well this kept going for about an hour
and the welshman was getting very intimidated by it all and pressured
more and more into showing the other two guys, what gagets he had
been 'installed' with.
Feeling
rather sick with a most upset stomach, the welshman excused himself
and run to the toilet..he was as they say...chicken birriani material....Upon
his return, unknown to him, he came back into the sauna with a large
piece of toilet tissue sticking out between his buttocks. Just as
he was about to sit back down, the englishman pointed fun, saying
to him rather sarcasticly, "hey mate, you got someting coming
out of your bum!" The welshman, was struck with horror and embarrassment.
Realising what he had done was a simple oversight, he decided not
to let the matter (or the englishman) get the better of him. Nonchalantly,
the welshman took a stretch to the ceiling and very casually, very
calmly, sat down saying, ................
"don't
worry lovely, that's just a fax coming though!"
cheers
Vince
---
- ---
CAKE
OR BED
A
HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW.HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY FIX THE LIGHT, NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
THE
WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE
RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT
DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK. I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! SO HE GOES TO THE
BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT
HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS
HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE
GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY,
HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT
I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT
WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALLTHE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM? SAID THE HUSBAND.
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIAH SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
---
- ---
One
Welshman worth...
The
English decided to invade Wales, the army had just crossed the border
and came to the first forrest when they heard a voice shout "One
Welshman is worth two Englishmen".
The army commander couldn't resist the challenge and promptly sent two
men into the forrest. After 10 minutes the voice shouted "One Welshman
is worth ten Englishmen".
The army commander again couldn't resist the challenge and promptly
sent ten men into the forrest. After 10 minutes the voice again shouted
"One Welshman is worth 100 Englishmen".
The army commander was now getting angry and sent two hundred men into
the forrest. After 10 minutes the voice shouted "One Welshman is
worth an English regiment".
The army commander now really angry sent in one of his regiments. After
10 minutes one of the English emerged from the forrest bleeding and
dying, and with his last breath he told the army commander...
"it's a trap!.. there's TWO of them in there!
cheers
Adrian
---
- ---
Talking
Duck!
A
duck walks into a bar ,jumps up on the stool and says to the barman
"Could I have a pint of bitter and a cheese sandwich please?"The
barman
turns around and says "Wow, a talking duck!""Yes, everyone
says that,can I
please have my beer and sandwich now please"the duck says. recovering
his
composure, the barman apologises and pours the duck his beer."what
are you
doing around here?" he asks." I'm working at the building
site around the
corner"says the duck."oh righto"the barman replies.this
goes on for a number
of weeks,Then one day the circus comes to town.the ringmaster has worked
up
a bit of a thirst, so he heads into the bar for a pint. he gets about
halfway through, when the barman says" I have got this great idea
for an act
for your circus, see there is this talking duck, he comes in here every
lunchtime, and I might be able to talk him into working for you""Well,
we
are always looking for new talent, tell him to come and see me"
the
ringmaster says. Sure enough, the next day the duck walks in, orders
his
usual and before he can start eating the barman says" I have got
a
proposition for you"."Go on", says the duck."Well,I
was talking to the
ringmaster from the circus yesterday, and I told him all about you,
and he
was very keen to offer you a job""Is that right?"says
the duck."The circus
you say...that lot up the road,with all the animals,big green tent thing
with the hole in the top?"Yes that's right says the barman"."Sounds
good"says the duck."But what would they want with a plasterer?"
Cheers
Lloyd
and welcome to worldwidewelsh
---
- ---
Taff
goes for a drink
Taff
goes up to the bar, says to Dai, do you want to hear a "blond"
joke?,
on overhearing this, two HUGE blond lady wrestlers strode up to him,
demanding to hear his blond joke.
O'eer I've forgotten it,says Taff.
Scared you did they?, says Dai.
No I could'nt be bothered to explain it twice, says Taff.
More from Taff later!
"The only constant is change"
Cheers
Jim
---
- ---
Welsh
Lamb?
A customer who had ordered some Welsh lamb from her butcher,
suspected
that the meat she had been given was not the genuine article.
"Are
you sure this is real Welsh lamb?" she demanded, angrily.
"Well,
Mrs. Jenkins", confessed the butcher,
"That
lamb was really born in New Zealand but I can assure you it had Welsh
parents."
many
thanks to Mr G Henry from New Zealand
- 1999-2003 in Cardiff!
---
- ---
A
Real Cowboy
An old
cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down
next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are
you a real cowboy?"
He replied,
"Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking
colts, working cows,going to rodeos, fixing fences,
pulling calves, baling hay, doctoring calves, cleaning
my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and
feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said,
"I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day
thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the
morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think
about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I
even think about women when I eat. It seems that
everything makes me think of women."
The two
sat sipping in silence.
A little
while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He
replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found
out I'm a lesbian."
---
- ---
Think
before you wish!
A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married
couple
for 25 years, I will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband"......said
the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra!
Two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now
it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well......this
moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this
only
occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is......to
have a wife 30 years younger than me"
The wife was deeply disappointed
but, a wish was a wish.
The Fairy made a circle with her magic
stick and.......abracadabra!...
Suddenly the husband was 90 years old!!
Men might be bastards but Fairies are Female!
many
thank to Brian from Sydney for these two
crackers
---
- ---
aaaaahhh
refreshing welsh mountain stream?
A
farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when
he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down
from one of his fields.
Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man
"paid
a yfed yr dwr! Mae'n uch-y-fi!"
The
man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear,
shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking. Realising
the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer.
"Paid
fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi! Sheep crappio yn y dwr!"
Still
the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked
right up to the man at the stream and once again said
"Dwr
yn ych-y-fi! Dim drinkio!"
"I'm
dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said
dear boy!" said the man at the stream in a fine English accent;
"Oh
I see" said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both
hands
you can get more in..."
and
you can jolly well send your complaints to Craig for this jocular tale!
or pat him on the back of course
legal notice
- we at worldwidewelsh
do not encourage
the poisoning of our fellow brits via sheep s**t although rumour has
it we've been doing it
to the midlands since they flooded one of our villages years ago!
---
- ---
In
the beginning...
In the beginning God turned to his best mate, the archangel Gabriel
and said "Gabby, today I am going to create a beautiful part
of the earth and call it Wales. I will make a country of breath-taking
blue lakes rich green forests and dark beautiful mountains which from
time to time will be snow covered. I will give it clear swift rivers
which will overflow with salmon and trout.
The land
shall be lush and fertile on which the people can raise cattle and
grow their food as well as being rich with precious metals and stones
which will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land
I shall lay rich seams of coal for the inhabitants to mine. Around
the coast I will make some of the most beautiful areas in the world.
White sandy beaches and cliffs that will attract all manner of wildlife,
and lots of islands that will be like paradise to all that visit them.
In the
waters around the shores there will be an abundance of sea life. The
people who live there shall be called the Welsh and will be the friendliest
on the earth."
"Excuse
me sire" interrupted the archangel Gabriel, "don't you think
you are being a bit generous to these Welsh ?"
"Don't
talk crap" replied the Lord, "wait till you see the bloody
neighbours I'm giving them!!!"
I
got this verse from a very good friend of mine Martin
Heath
who owned Stephens Joke Shop in High Street Arcade, Cardiff
I'm sure many Welsh ex-pats will be familiar with the Old Joke Shop
Sadly Martin passed away in November 2003
so I wanted to dedicate this entry to my mate who was such a
Proud Welshman and all round Great Bloke
---
- ---
Sharp Trader!
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband
is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in
the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy
is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes,
it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
I n the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes,
it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the
last time,
asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go
outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks
"How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
to church
and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't
start that s**t again...." !!!
thanks
Don
and here Don shares some not always 'politically correct'
THOUGHTS:
I
have noticed a strange thing about men who hang about
in
pubs a lot, it seems they have two reasons to be there
they have no wife to go home to......or they DO.
I
saw in the paper the other day there's a serious shortage
of
men in Grangetown. I told my wife about it and added the article
mentioned
a man could earn £50 a night easily as
a
gigolo. She smiled and said and how do you think you can
live
on £150.00.a month!
My
wife says she holds me responsible for our marital problems,
A
lot she knows, I'm never home.!
I
asked my wife the other day,what she liked most about me,
my
firm trim body or my Intellect? She said,your sense of humour dear.
I
have found a good way to make my wife a more careful driver,
I
pointed out that if she was ever in an accident, the papers will
print
her real age!!
My wife came home from the Doctors yesterday and said he told
her
she couldn't make love. Now I'm wondering how the hell he found out!
Paddy's
wife gave birth to triplets,
He
is currently looking for the other two blokes.
his
brother had to go to the dentist,
to
have a wisdom tooth
PUT
IN......!
--- -
---
A True Texan
A Texan farmer went to Australia on vacation.There
he met an Australian Farmer and gets to talking.
The Ausie farmer shows off his 1000 acre wheat field.The
Texan said we have wheat fields twice that size!
They walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows
off his prize herd of dairy cows.The
Texan Immediatlely replies we have longhorns twice the
size of those cows.The conversation has
died down a little when the texan sees a mob of kangaroos
hopping through the field in the distance
What are those asked the Texan?,The Aussie replied with
an incredulous look,
Don't you have any Grasshoppers in Texas?
Don
cheers as always Don
---
- ---
Wreath
for Relief
Two
women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home from a night out up
the "Mount" got caught short. They were very near a graveyard
and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone
or something. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd
take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend
however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set from Primark and
didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon
from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself
with that. They then made off for home. The next day Dai phoned Evan
and said "Evan We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine
came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing"
Dai "Mine came back with a card stuck between her cheeks that said
'From all the lads at the rugby club. We'll never forget you'."
Brian
New South Wales (ex Old South Wales)
---
- ---
English
Ventriloquist meets Worried Welshman
English
ventriloquist is visiting Wales,he
walks into a small
village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist:
"Alright mate? Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman:
"The dog doesn't talk, you English fool."
Ventriloquist:
"Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog:
"Doin' all right."
Welshman:
(look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist:
"Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Welshman)
Dog:
"Yep"
Ventriloquist:
"How does he treat you?"
Dog:
"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Welshman:
(look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist:
"Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman:
"Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist:
"Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse:
"Cool"
Welshman:
(absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist:
"Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Welshman)
Horse:
"Yep"
Ventriloquist:
"How does he treat you?"
Horse:
"Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn
to protect me from the elements."
Welshman:
(total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist:
"Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman:
"The sheep's a liar!"
cheers
David
---
- ---
Justice
little Nancy style!
Little
Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced
youngster was doing, he politely asked,
"What
are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking
up,
"and
I've just buried him."
The english neighbor was concerned,
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your cat"
excellent!
- and we can thank
David Wales for that
contribution
---
- ---
confucious
he say:
never a cocky cock be...
A
farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart,
time for you to retire."
The
old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the
two old hens over in the corner?"
The
young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking
over."
The
old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."
The
young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The
old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his! shotgun and -
BOOM
- He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay
rooster
I bought this month."
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and
treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
and
we can thank David Wales for that one also
---
- ---
Cyanide
Man
to chemist - Need cyanide to kill the wife.
Chemist - Sorry, can't sell
you cyanide.
Man - Produces photo of wife.
Chemist - Sorry didn't realise
you had a prescription.
---
- ---
Eskimo
Taff
driving down the road sees an eskimo standing next
to road brokendown, Taff stops to lend a hand.
lifts up the bonet and tells the eskimo that he's blown a seal
Eskimo tells Taff to P__s Off, you SHAG SHEEP !!!!!!!!!!
many
thanks to Neil Martin for these two Gems
---
- ---
e-mail
from regular and valued contributor Don
Hi.Paul,Talking
to Norman Thomas the other day and promised a short verse that may get
a giggle
from some of our "family"at
www.
This goes back many years to when I was a lad and toilet
rolls were a luxury, I am presuming you will know what a "dunny"
is in OZ.so here goes.
If
you have A friend nearby and no one sends him mail,
give him all you get from me, he can hang it on a nail,
cut up into little squares Oh so very neat.
But make sure he can reach it,
from the "Dunny" seat
cheers
Don
---
- ---
Crazy??
While changing his flat tire near the fence of an insane asylum,
a
man was watched by one of the inmates.
As
he removed the wheel nuts he put them in a hub cap on the road.
A
passing car hit the hub cap and sent it and the
wheel nuts spinning into a watery ditch.
While
the man was cursing his luck the asylum inmate spoke:
"Why
not take one nut off each of the remaining three wheels and use them
to secure the spare? That'll take you to the nearest garage."
"How
come you are in the asylum," asked the man,
"if you can come up with such a smart solution?"
"I may be crazy," answered the inmate, "but I'm not stupid."
©
Thought
provoking stuff eh!
many thanks to: David Morgan, North Vancouver,
BC
---
- ---
labelled!
Dai gets
transferred to the Bristol depot with his work. He likes the job but
all the English guys keep calling him Sheep Sh***er. After about 2
weeks he can't take it any longer and goes to see the foreman to complain.
"Look" he said " I'm fed up with being called a sheep
sh***er". "I give some of my wages to charity, but does
anyone ever say" " there goes Dai the do gooder? "
no. " I go to chapel every Sunday but does anyone ever say "
"there goes Dai the Christian?" no. But I S**G 1 poxy sheep!...
Brian
N.S.W.
---
- ---
ce
magnifique!
Two
avid rugby fans, Ioan and Dafydd have gone to the
6 Nations final showdown in Paris.
They stay in a magnificent hotel. Ioan is the first to get
ready and tells Dafydd that he will wait in the bar
downstairs while Dafydd gets ready.
Well Dafydd is a bit of a flapper and can't decide what to wear.
After half an hour he has finally decided on his clothes for the
night
but is feeling a little sweaty and decided to have a shower.
On getting into the shower Dafydd realises that Ioan
has used all the soap. He gets out of the shower just as the
maid enters the room.
"Sebon?" shouts Dafydd.
"Oui monsieur, ce magnifique!"
ps.
sebon is Welsh for soap - and in French it is good!!
---
- ---
speed
theft
I'm told this happened in Brecon, and you have to tell it aloud.
A
snail complained that he'd been mugged by a turtle.
Constable:
"Did you recognize him?"
Snail: "No.
No. It all happened too fast!!"
Nice one: Paul Morgan, Los Angeles
---
- ---
you're
being watched!
In
the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were
lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large
pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it
in front of the apples. The note read:
"Take only one, God is watching."
Further
down the cafeteria line was a large pile of
chocolate chip cookies... One
of the boys had written a note of his own.
The note he placed in front of the cookies read:
"Take all you want,
God is watching the apples."
thanks
Tom - originally from Tongwynlais
---
- ---
A
wealthy couple had planned to go out for
the evening...
The lady
of the house decided to give the butler Jeeves the rest of the evening
off.She said they would be home very late,and that he should enjoy
the rest of the evening.
As it turned out,however,the wife wasn't having a good time at the
party,so she came home alone. Her Husband had to stay with the others
since several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself
in the sitting room, she called for him to follow her, and led him
to the master bedroom.She then closed and locked the door She looked
at him and smiled."Jeeves" she said, take off. my dress,
he did this carefully,"Jeeves"she continued, take off my
stockings and garters. He silently obeyed her. Jeeves "Remove
my bra and Panties". As he did this the tension continued to
mount.
She looked at him and said....
"Jeeves,
if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again you're FIRED!!"
anonymous!
---
- ---
Estate
Planning
An elderly
spinster called the Attorney about having a will prepared. The receptionist
suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time For the spinster
to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand,
I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like
to go out. Would it be possible for the
lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist
checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the spinster's home
for the meeting to discuss her estate and will. The
lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you
have In
assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She
replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I
have £40,000
in my savings account at the bank." "Tell
me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the £40,000
to be distributed?"
The spinster
said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people
have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass
on. I'd like to provide £35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer
remarked, "Well, for £35,000 you will be able to have a Funeral
that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression he
continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining £5,000?"
The spinster
replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost
my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die,
I'd like you to use the £5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with
me."
"This
is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but
I'll see What I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That
evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the Eccentric
spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she
could Do around the house with £5,000, and with a bit of coaxing,
she
got her Husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said,
"I'll
drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished.
Tell her it Will be £5,000 for an hours worth of service."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while
He went into the house. She waited for well over an hour, but her husband
didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom
window opened, the lawyer stuck his head Out
and yelled,
"Pick
me up tomorrow morning! She's going to let the County
bury her!
many
thanks again for another cracker from Don
---
- ---
Expensive
Call:
An American
decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For
his first chapter he decided to write about British churches. So he
bought a plane ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he
would work his way across the country from South, West, East and North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"£10,000 per call". The writer, being intrigued, asked
a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The
priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000
you could talk to God. The writer thanked the priest and went along
his way. Next stop was in Nottingham. There, at a very large cathedral,
he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered
if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked
a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct
line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God. "O.
K., thank you," said the writer. He then travelled to Liverpool,
Belfast, Chester, Essex, Scotland and Birmingham. In every church
he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£10,000
per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Birmingham saw a sign for Cardiff and
decided to see if Welsh Folk had the same phone. He arrived in Cardiff
and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the
sign under it read, "10p per call." The writer was surprised
so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled
all over Great Britain and I've seen this same golden telephone in
many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in
every County the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap
here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Wales now son, it's
a local call"
Thanks
to Paul - Sydney
---
- ---
Short
Memory:
A man
and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger is standing in the pouring rain, and asks for a push. Not
a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?" asked his
wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks."No, I did not,it is 3
o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" Well, you
have a short memory,"says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped
us?I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes,
please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on
the swing!" replies the drunk.
thanks
Don Thomas for getting the show on the road as this was the first
joke received
---
- ---
I know them all:
Dave
was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave,
how about Tom Cruise? "No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends,
and I can prove it."So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood
and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening?!? Great to see you! Come on in for
a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise
was just lucky."No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says."President
Bush," his boss quickly retorts."Yup," Dave says,
"Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." and off they
go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions
him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in
and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts
to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else, "The Pope,"
his boss replies."Sure!" says Dave." "My folks
are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, This will never work. I
can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. I know all the
guards so tell you what, let me just go upstairs and I'll come out
on the balcony with the Pope."And he disappears into the crowd
headed toward the Vatican.Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges
with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds
that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.Working
his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened? "His
boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the
Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
"Who's that on the balcony with Dave?"
love
it! thanks again to Don
---
- ---
In
the beginning...
God
turned to his best mate, the archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby,
today I am going to create a beautiful part of the earth and call
it Wales. I will make a country of breath-taking blue lakes rich
green forests and dark beautiful mountains which from time to
time will be snow covered. I will give it clear swift rivers which
will overflow with salmon and trout.
The land shall be lush and fertile on which the people
can raise cattle and grow their food as well as being rich with
precious metals and stones which will be much sought after the world
over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal for the
inhabitants to mine. Around the coast I will make some of the most
beautiful areas in the world. White sandy beaches and cliffs that
will attract all manner of wildlife, and lots of islands that will
be like paradise to all that visit them.
In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance
of sea life. The people who live there shall be called the Welsh
and will be the friendliest on the earth."
"Excuse me sire" interrupted the archangel
Gabriel, "don't you think you are being a bit generous to these
Welsh ?"
"Not at all" replied the Lord, "wait
till you see the bloody neighbours I'm giving them!!!"
thanks
to Gabriel - Heaven!
---
- ---
He
said - She said
He
said I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it.
She
said You wear briefs, don't you?
She said What do you mean
by coming home
half drunk?
He said It's
not my fault... I ran out of money.
He said
... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've
wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said ... Well, you succeeded.
He said
'Two inches more, and I would be king
She said 'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.
On wall in ladies room:
"My husband follows me
everywhere."
Written just below it: "I
do not."
He said "Shall we try
a different position tonight?"
She said "That's a
good idea ... you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
Priest said I don't think
you will ever find another
man like your late husband.
She said Who's gonna look?
He said What have you been
doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said
Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said Let's go out and
have some fun tonight.
She said
Okay, but if you get home before I do,
leave the hallway light on.
A n d ( d r u m r o l l ) . . .
He said Why don't you tell
me when you have an
orgasm?
She said I would, but you
said not to call you at work.
oooohh
risky! but much appreciated contribution from Sue in New South Wales
COME ON FOLKS
SE N D U S Y O U R S
and put a smile on your fellow Welsh
here
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